Ruins

It’s the beginning of a new year and everyone is setting themselves up for success and big goals and all types of personal development, but I am not quite there yet.

I’m getting there.

I know within my heart of hearts that this is going to be a breakthrough year for me.

I have plans and a vision and lots of ‘to do’ lists.  One of the first things on my list is to pay attention to myself and what I am feeling.

I grew up in one of those families that did not do feelings.  In fact, I was given a lot of flack for being the sensitive child that I was.

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I spent a good part of my life hiding tears when I felt sad or even when a movie scene touched me.

 

 

I am now coming to terms with the fact that my emotions have a purpose and they provide me with information. Information that I can use to navigate this journey called life.

The new year makes me happy because it’s the second semester for the children and I know spring and summer are just around the corner. The warmth is coming. In the meantime, it is still cold and there is a lot occurring underneath the surface.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I want to go deeper.

I crave depth.

I am no longer able to tolerate news commentary anymore because it all has been watered down to the surface treatment of issues and problems.  It’s all buzzwords designed to make you feel a certain way, but there’s no real depth to it.

No substance.

No nuance.

All low hanging fruit.

My old life is in ruins.  I am changing and all the structures that were in place I have torn down because I want something different.  I cannot host friends for dinner and a chat when there is rubble in my living room.

There’s no going back.

There are certain steps you take that change your life to the point that you can’t go back to the way things were.

I am clear that not only did I leave 2016 behind, but I have left some relationships behind. I have left some ways of relating behind. I have left playing small behind.

Forward is the only way to go.

 

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